Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I don’t get marriage
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
work smarter, not harder