My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
also my go-to takeaway order
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck