[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Meanwhile in Canada…
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Just how popey was the pope today?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains