Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.