me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
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If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
okay run it by me one more time
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
😂😂😂
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.