someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.