DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
You Might Also Like
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
i love modern commerce
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.