Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?