I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning