do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.