Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My wedding will be open casket.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.