GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper