[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
smartest karate player in the world
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Morning.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married