I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
You Might Also Like
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
my first day as a raccoon
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?