[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
You Might Also Like
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Oh deer
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.