I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
this is so top tier i cant
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire