Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to