Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
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I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”