There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
You Might Also Like
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy