Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”