I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE