A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
*me flirting
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Real House Wines.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Order here:
More here:
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”