me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.