If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
58.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*