Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.