“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
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It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*cough*
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.