Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
You Might Also Like
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
oh u like geography? name every lake
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?