My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*watches the world burn*
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight