“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Good morning!
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
So inspired right now.