Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”