What’s a Messi?
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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Holy shit he’s back
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.