Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Overindulged this afternoon.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.