Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
You Might Also Like
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Things will get butter, keep churning
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.