The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
somebody come look at this
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….