WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
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Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you