I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Well, shit
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.