I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones