The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.