*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
You Might Also Like
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.