How software testing works
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Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Don’t snitch tag.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT