[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
You Might Also Like
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*looks at you in batman voice*
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else