me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You Might Also Like
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously