Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My flabber has been gasted.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are