I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I’m having an out of money experience.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.