Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
these two trucks have the same bed length
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Has science gone too far?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy