My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
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Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Me too
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there