Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
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The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned