i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
You Might Also Like
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?