*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.