[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep